I’m all up for positive thinking and optimism and stuff but I can’t stand the illusion of complete control.
I’ve gone my entire life on the notion that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and however I want once I received adulthood.
My mom wasn’t the best life teacher.
Now, here I am, three weeks away from turning 29 on the verge of a total meltdown should I lose my dishwashing job at Spud’s.
I haven’t started my Party City job yet but if I’m not mistaken, I start tomorrow which would make that job #3 if I can balance out the hours.
Not sure if I mentioned it or not but my cousin is trying to sell the house we’re both living in and that could spell trouble for me since he’s kinda made it obvious that he doesn’t want me living with him.
Not sure if he wants to make me feel better or if he shot himself in the foot because for a while he’s was pushing for me to get my own apartment (that I can’t afford because I gotta put money into the car, $9K left by the way), he was lamenting how I couldn’t get one because supposedly we could both have a place to stay after I told him a multiple of times that his decision to sell the house will cause me to end up sleeping in the car.
To which he’ll reply along the lines of “you won’t be sleeping in your car THAT long”…y’know, because sleeping in your car for a few weeks is just a hiccup, am I right?
I’m gonna rant for a moment so bear with me.
On the ride from Baton Rouge, my cousin made it obvious that he wasn’t intending me to actually live with him. A few times, he’d sprinkle in how I’m gonna have to find a salary job and get my own apartment.
Mind you, we haven’t even passed like Arizona or something and he’s already trying to sow seeds of early independence which I’m already planning to invest in once I get my job.
I mean, even after I get my job (three months after looking), he’s talking about getting a salary job and how I should quit the job I’m at so I can look towards getting better ones and stuff.
I didn’t, I know how important having a job is and it’s even more of a priority with the car now.
Either way, what pisses me off is how he really is trying to push this mentality on me like I’m in complete control of my life.
And it’s not just him, there seems to be this constant message that you can just get what you want and I hate that.
It’s not like I can just kick down the door of some big time acting production, look the director in their eye and be like “I want in on this project” and they actually comply.
It’s not like I can just go to a big bank and say “I need a dollar from the next million people you withdraw money from”.
I mean, it’s not like I can just go to my dream girl’s home and say “we datin’ now”.
At the end of the day, decisions like those would greatly improve my life for the better but they’re not my damn choice.
Things like that aren’t up to me and what pisses me off is how if I fail at my attempt, not only is it somehow my fault, but I’ll find myself forever wondering why because the people who denied me won’t exactly tell me the actual reason.
So after failing, I have to reset again.
Like, I don’t mind being in a bad situation but I HATE it when people try to convince me that I’m not.
I mean, don’t piss in my eye and tell me it’s raining, ‘kay?
ThirtyToTen 